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Title: Janni
Author: [ profile] steinsgrrl
Fandom: Tokio Hotel
Pairing: Tom/Bill
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I in no way intend to insinuate that any of the below actually happened. It is simply a piece of written entertainment based on the public personas of real people.
Rating: NC17
Warnings: Twincest-not related, Adult Concepts, Light Kink
Summary: When two men meet and fall in love, they expect there will be bumps in the road. When one of those men has a daughter, some bumps can seem more like mountains.
Author's Note: Thank you so much to [ profile] ma_chelle for the beta. You are invaluable. Lovely banner by [ profile] lynnchan.

Blowing out the breath that he’d held so long it burned his lungs, Tom unfolded the letter and tried to focus on the words swimming, fluid and blue, on the white background.


I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to leave, but I have to. I have to go because you can’t be with me and keep Janni. I know they won’t let you and I can’t be the reason you lose your daughter. I can’t, Tom. I love you both too much. I’m going to--

Someone walked behind him, denim brushing denim, and a sharp intake of breath startled him. He jerked his head up and spun around at the soft, weary voice that sighed, “Tom.”


Bill stood in the doorway of their bedroom, and Tom blinked hard before he came into focus. He stood, the note still clutching in his hand, and he held it toward Bill.

“What is this? You’re leaving?” Tom's voice shook just as the note shook in his hand as he held it out toward Bill. “You can’t. You can’t leave.” He sounded desperate, even to his own ears, but he didn’t care.

“I couldn’t,” Bill whispered, brokenly, his cheeks wet. “I tried, but I couldn’t.” Bill let go of the door jamb and stepped carefully into the bedroom, his fingers twisting around each other in front of him. “I didn’t want you to lose her, Tom.”

Tom made his way quickly around the end of the bed and across the room, stopping right in front of Bill. He was so confused, so hurt, and a flash of anger shot through him. He wanted to strike back. He wanted to make Bill hurt for how Bill had hurt him with his note and packing up his clothes and making Tom love him and then just leaving. But more than that, more than the anger, the hurt and confusion and everything horrible that sat like a boulder in his belly, he wanted Bill in his arms. He wanted to grab him and hold him and never let him out of his sight again. Bill couldn’t leave if Tom never let go, right?

“I’m sorry,” Bill said, flicking a look up at Tom then back to the floor. “I’m sorry. I thought I could get back in time to take the note back, put everything back and just…” He threw his hands up and sighed, looking as defeated as Tom felt. “Just forget leaving. Because I couldn’t, Tom. I’m not that strong.”

Tom took a step back in surprise. “Strong? You’re not that strong? Shit, you left, Bill. You packed up all the clothes you just moved into this house—into our house—and you left. Apparently, you’re stronger than you think, to just leave me like that.”

Tom could see Bill’s throat working hard to swallow and he looked ready to cry again. He wanted to stop it, wanted to comfort him and make sure Bill never had to cry again. But the ache in his belly wouldn’t let him; the crazy, horrible vertigo he’d felt when he’d realized Bill had left, and just the inkling of how much it would have hurt Janni, made him pull back. He wrapped his arms around himself and watched Bill struggle.

“No, you’re right, Tom; I did.” Bill rubbed his forehead, frowning. “But it seemed like the only way. Hell, it still seems like the only way you’ll get to keep Janni. With me out of the picture, they have no reason to take her away from you! I couldn’t live with being the reason your—“

“Bill!” Tom cut him off, his voice taking a hard edge. “Didn’t you ever think you could stay and we’d fight this? You walk out and you’re just letting Anjelica win without even fighting back. Maybe the judge won’t rule her way. Maybe there’s still a chance we can all be a family.” Tom grabbed Bill’s fidgeting hands and held them firmly. “Just like we are now. Did you ever think about that?”

Bill looked up from the floor with sad eyes. “No.” He shook his head, his hair loose and moving around his face only to stick to wet cheeks. “No, why would they let her stay?”

“Why wouldn’t they let her stay?”

Bill scoffed. “They think we’re perverted. That we’re evil and immoral and going to hell, Tom. Of course they won’t let her stay with parents like that.”

Tom searched Bill’s face. “Do you think we’re perverted or evil? Does Janni?”

“No, of course not,” Bill sighed, “I have no problem with being gay, Tom. It’s no big deal. It’s what they believe that causes the problems. Not me.”

Tom reached out a hand and cupped it carefully, tenderly, under bill’s jaw and around his neck. His thumb caressed Bill’s cheek and Bill leaned into it, his eyelids fluttering closed.

“Then maybe it’s time to change what they believe about us. Look, if we don’t fight this, if we just give in, it’s like saying they’re right; that we are not worthy to raise our daughter.” Tom tightened his fingers a little and Bill opened his eyes. “And if you leave, yes, I will have Janni, but I won’t have you, Bill. And I need you.” His breath caught in his throat, his chest aching with love and fear and hope. “I love you, Bill.”

And then Tom's arms were full of Bill. He grunted in surprise as Bill crashed his body against him and molded himself to Tom, clinging to him tightly.

Tom pulled back, pushing Bill away by the shoulders until he could see his face again. “I need to be sure of this, though, because I’m really scared right now. You know, you scared the hell out of me.”

Bill winced before closing his eyes and nodding. “I know.”

“How can I trust that you won’t leave again? Time’s get tough and you’re out the door?”

“I won’t,” Bill replied, without hesitation and looking Tom straight in the eye. “I won’t. I’m here and I want to be here with you and Janni.”

“You’re gonna stay here and fight? For us? For our family to stay together?” Tom asked. “No matter what it takes; money, time, energy? No matter how much sleep we lose or debt we go into? Because I think being here, standing up for us, takes more strength than leaving. But you still have a chance to bail out now if you’re not going to be able to take this.”

Tom didn’t want to say it, to give Bill all the reasons he should leave, but he didn’t want Bill leaving later when he realized how hard things could get. He needed Bill to go into this with his eyes completely open and he needed to know Bill was with him on this. And only when Bill knew everything and accepted his role in it, did Tom think he could start to trust him again.

Bill shook his head again. “I’m not leaving. No matter what.”

Tom sighed in relief and pulled Bill to him hard, burying his face in the crook of Bill’s neck. The adrenaline that had coursed through his system when he saw Bill standing in the doorway was starting to wear off and his body trembled in reaction.

“I thought I’d lost you.” He kissed the words into Bill’s skin and Bill’s arms tightened reflexively around him, Bill murmuring comforting noises into Tom's ear. “Fuck, I thought I’d lost you, Bill.”

“I know, baby, I know. I’m sorry.” Bill smoothed his palms down the back of Tom's shirt, pulling the bottom of it out of his slacks and seeking out the warm flesh of Tom's back with shaking fingers. “I’m sorry.”

And then Tom had to feel him. They could talk for hours but right now, everything that he wanted was to feel Bill against him. Grasping the hem of Bill’s shirt, he had it up over Bill’s head without even thinking of asking, ripping his own off as well, gasping as his chest met Bill’s. His hands were everywhere then, touching and caressing Bill’s back, his sides, over his shoulders, as urgent, seeking lips found and loved every dip and curve of Bill’s neck and shoulder. His thumbs found peaking nipples and ran circles around them, twice, three times, and Bill arched his back, pushing into Tom and throwing them off balance.

Tom stepped back, staggering but not letting go, and he pulled Bill the few steps toward the bed where they fell on it, bouncing, Tom's nose hitting Bill’s shoulder as he tried to lean up over him. He barely noticed. Instead, he parted his lips and laved his tongue down to the closest nipple, sucking it in and flicking it with short, wet licks. Bill’s breath hitched above him and Tom fumbled with Bill’s belt, desperate to get it open and touch every part of him. After a moment, and Tom moving to the other nipple and scraping his teeth around it, slender, shaking fingers tangled with his own before brushing Tom's away and taking care of the belt himself. Another snap and a zip, and Bill ripped his pants open.

Tom scooted off the edge of the bed and pulled Bill’s boots and socks off before sliding his jeans off as quickly as the tight denim would allow. Then he made short work of his own pants, sliding them down and stepping out of them as he took in Bill, lying across the end of their bed, watching him with dark eyes as Tom knelt between his slender legs.

And Tom watched him right back.

He watched him as Tom lifted Bill’s leg and kissed behind his knee.

He watched him as he kissed his way up Bill’s thigh and nuzzled into his groin, breathing hotly over already scorching skin.

He watched as Bill’s mouth fell open with a strangled grunt when Tom grasped his hip, his hold familiar and strong, and wrapped his other hand around Bill’s cock.

It was too much to take, touching Bill like this, tasting him, dipping his head down and licking at the tip of Bill’s dick while Tom stroked him. Tom needed more. Their love had never been just about sex; it was so much more than that. But at this moment, Tom wanted nothing more than to feel Bill around him, be inside of him, be part of him, and he reached blindly for the lube on the headboard.

“C’mon, get in me,” Bill muttered, lowly. “Hurry.” He reached for Tom, even as Tom was settling between his legs again, and he leaned up on an elbow, running his nails from Tom's shoulder to his belly and up again. Bill’s head fell back and his body clenched around Tom's fingers as he was stretched, gently, lovingly, but as quickly as Tom could manage while being sure not to hurt him.

Bill keened beneath him, screwing himself down on Tom's fingers and Tom groaned with the heavy need deep and low in his belly. He moved himself over Bill, the head of his cock bumping below Bill’s sac, and he brushed the hair back from Bill’s sweaty forehead.


Bill stretched up, claiming Tom's mouth with greedy lips again. “Do it. Now,” Bill demanded, between frantic kisses.

Tom slid himself inside Bill, gasping around Bill’s tongue as that tight, dark heat engulfed him, sending him into a slow burn that he stoked with every thrust, every stutter of his hips. He propped Bill’s legs on his shoulders and stroked into him slowly, fully, dragging himself out until just the tip stayed in then sliding in to the hilt with a groan.

Bill murmured and sighed and made encouraging noises that were rapidly turning to whimpers as Tom picked up the pace. Bill clawed at his shoulder with one hand and thrust the other between them to pull jerkily at himself, his dark eyes locked on Tom's, and Tom clenched his teeth. He wanted to hang on, wanted Bill to come first. He wanted to see what he did to Bill, see that ecstasy and love in Bill’s eyes as he tumbled over into his bliss, but he didn’t know how much longer he could last. Bill just looked too good below him, around him, licking his lips and watching him with hooded eyes. He felt too good, clenching so hard around Tom's cock that it made his toes curl and his knees shake.

Tom growled and thrust harder, angling to hit just the right spot, and Bill came undone. His lips fell open, wet and supple, and his eyes screwed shut as he clamped down on Tom and stroked hot jets of come up his belly and over his hand. Tom watched him, barely breathing at Bill’s beautiful ecstasy, and let himself go. His head fell forward, his dreads falling all around them, snaking and quivering across Bill’s chest with every electric shudder that shot through Tom as he released deep inside the man he’d given his heart to. The man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.


“Daddy, daddy!” Janni bounded off the bus, hopping excitedly on one foot to where Bill and Tom stood waiting. Bill couldn’t help but laugh; why hadn’t he known kids could be this weird and cute? She bounced to a stop in front of them, and panting from her antics, held her arms up to Tom.

“Uh uh, no way. Between you getting so big and your heavy coat and winter boots, you’re too heavy to pick up.” Tom wrapped an arm around her head and squished it to him, dropping a kiss on the top of her head in the crook of his elbow.

Not missing a beat, she squirmed out of his arms and turned to Bill, arms raised. “Bill, will you carry me, then?”

Bill shook his head, trying desperately to give her a solemn look. “Nope.”

“Fine,” she said, not sounding at all perturbed. “But will you take my backpack? It’s too heavy!” She slid the bag off her shoulders and with a grunt, dropped it at Tom's feet.

Tom rolled his eyes. “It’s your backpack, you know. Why’d you put so much in it?” he asked, picking up the bag and swinging it over his shoulder. It was actually pretty hefty for a little kid’s bag, he thought. “What is in here?”

Janni shrugged and skipped along beside them as they headed back toward the house. “I dunno. Stuff,” she said, reaching for Bill’s hand. “I drew you a picture.”

“You did?” Bill asked, clasping Janni’s gloved fingers in his and swinging their arms between them.

“Yep.” Her breath fogged around her in the chilly air as she craned her neck to look up at him. “Will you look when we get home?”

“Yep.” Bill grinned at her shy smile.

As soon as they filed in the front door, Janni quickly stripped off her coat and boots and dropped them on the mat. She climbed on a chair and pawed at her backpack as Tom set it on the table. Unzipping it hastily, she pulled out a messy, crumpled stack of papers and laid them carefully in front of her as she dropped the backpack next to her chair.

“I made this for you and Daddy.” Bill hung up his coat and joined her at the table just as she pulled a pink sheet of construction paper from the middle of the pile. “Oh,” she said, her face falling as she looked at the paper. “It got kinda messed up. I’m sorry.”

When Bill took the sheet she held out and turned it around so he could see what she’d drawn, he sucked in a long breath.

On the pink sheet of thick paper, slightly crumpled and torn at the corner from being stuffed in Janni’s backpack, was a crudely drawn picture of three stick people. The smaller one in the middle was labeled ‘Janni’ and had long, bright yellow hair. She was flanked by two taller figures; one with long, black hair, the other with yellow lines for hair, with ‘Bill’ and ‘Daddy’ under them. On the paper, they were all holding hands. Bill’s chest tightened painfully and he looked up into Janni’s sweet, brown eyes.

“I had to ask the teacher how to spell ‘Bill’ ‘cause I didn’t know that yet,” She said, scooting off the chair and leaning over his arm to look at the picture with him. “I drawed our family. Do you like it?”

Bill smiled so hard that his cheeks hurt. He laid the picture carefully on the table and scooped Janni up in his arms, settling her on his lap and hugging her hard. “Janni, I love it.” He buried his nose in her hair, breathing in the scent of strawberry shampoo and little girl.

Bill had never really fought for anything in his life, but as Tom came to stand behind him and rested his hands on Bill’s shoulders, Bill stroked Janni’s hair and steeled his resolve. This was everything he never knew he wanted and now he couldn’t let it go. He couldn’t let them go. This, Bill had to fight for.


(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 02:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Just want you to know I screamed when I saw this XDXDXDXDDDD

But I have to go to work NOW! I am teh upsets but I promise I will read and post a proper comment in about... ten hours :D

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 02:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
LOL I love that. xD I'm sorry you have to go to work, though, but I'm definitely looking forward to hearing your thoughts later. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 02:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You updated!!! And I loved it. The emotion and desperation of their love making came through perfectly. Janni just makes everything better<3

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 02:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I did! Sorry it took me so long. :/

I'm really glad all the feelings came through in that scene. And I think Janni was feeling a little guilty for being such a poop that morning. So you know, she needed to make up. :D

I'm really happy you enjoyed the chapter and thank you for reading! <3

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 02:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I really didn't expect Bill to come back without Tom chasing after him, and that was a sweet surprise though it did make me start crying right away :) You have a real talent for doing that with this story! Janni's description of her picture at the end just tugged at my heart. They ARE a family and I'm glad that Bill can see it is something he needs to fight for

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 03:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Mhm, in the first draft of the outline, Bill ran off to New York and Tom had to go get him but when I tried to write it, it wouldn't come. It honestly just couldn't happen, so then Bill couldn't leave. And really, I like it much more this way, without Janni ever knowing that Bill could ever even think of walking out, because in the first draft, she was torn up by it. I couldn't do it. ;_;

I'm so glad this touched your heart! Thank you for telling me. ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 03:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I had a feeling that at some point, Bill ran off and much angst ensued. I don't know why exactly; it's just something I thought about as soon as I read the beginning of this chapter. Of course I much prefer it this way :)
I don't want to see any of them hurt more than they already are, and I can't imagine how traumatizing that would be for Janni.

This story always touches my heart! <3

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 03:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I read this over at THF about a month ago, and I'm not sure if I ever got around to reviewing, but I wanted to say I'm in awe at your talent. It's been a long time since I've been so involved on a story or cried as much as I did with the past chapter.

This chapter was just perfect. I love that Bill stayed and decided to fight for his family, instead of running away. Tom's reaction was completely realistic to it, too. He had no idea what Bill was planning of doing and of course he needed the reassurance afterwards that Bill would be staying with him and Janni. I absolutely adored that Janni made them that drawing of them as a family. She's too adorable!

I'll be looking forward to more.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 03:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Aw, I'm sorry I made you cry so much, though that is a huge compliment. Thank you so much for the kind words!

I'm so glad you enjoyed this chapter so much. Bill was originally meant to run off to New York but it just wasn't happening. And really, I think it's better this way. Can you imagine Janni drawing that picture of her family, only to come home to Bill being gone? I couldn't do that to her!

I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 03:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*squeals in happiness*


*squeals happily again because he didn't leave*


(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 03:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Haha! Thank you, bb ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 06:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
YESSSS!!!*fist pump* I just knew you wouldn't make Bill stay away! So good! Of course, the icing on the cake was the picture at the end. So sweet. Lovely, as usual, my dear!!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 10:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you, honey! <333

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 12:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*_* I love Janni, I hope I have a girl like her one day. And I really feel what your Bill is saying when he says, "It’s what they believe that causes the problems. Not me." That is so true. I'm glad he ended up staying because Tomi really does love him.

Oh, and Anjelica can gdiaf. Kthnx.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 10:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I base Janni quite a bit after Kat. She was a doll like that. I hope you have a 'Janni', too. <3

I'm so happy you enjoyed this, bb!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 10:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
The ending to this chapter could not have been any better! It was perfect!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-18 10:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Aw, thank you! :D

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-19 12:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh, fuck yeah! Finally an update! No more cliffhangers like that, woman! I can't bloody well take it! *growl*

I am so glad Bill came to the right decision. It would have knocked all the fight out of Tom otherwise, I think. :-P And Janni... What a sweet kid. :-D Loving her to. :-) Trying breaking that family up, Angelica... I dare you... ;-)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-20 02:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Aw, I'm sorry. (Sorta? Okay, not really. It was a good one, though, right? ;P)

I think you're exactly right that it would have knocked all the fight out of Tom. I think it would have been devastating to him. As he said; he'd have Janni but he wouldn't have Bill and I don't think he'd be able to take Bill leaving. And I'm not sure he'd have gone after him for quite some time after. Anyway, I'm glad Bill's wised up.

Janni knows what's important. Sometimes kids make the best teachers. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-20 04:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Kids are awesome teachers... if you just care to listen and see... ;-)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-20 04:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-20 05:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Haha! I'm glad you liked it, wow! lol Thank you so, so much, sweetie *hugs* ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2010-06-05 07:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
How did I miss this?? O.o

OMG honey, intense or what? I'm so pleased Bill couldn't leave. Janni and Tom would both be devestated if he did. The picture, gah, I have tears, that's just sooo cute. I love Janni, she's so adorable. <3333

(no subject)

Date: 2010-06-05 08:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
lol Idk, I've done the same thing with some stories I've followed. No worries! <3

I'm really glad you enjoyed it, even enough to bring tears to your eyes. Thank you so much! <333


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