Janni, NC17, Tom/Bill, 3/?

[steins_stories]

Title: Janni
Author: steinsgrrl
Fandom: Tokio Hotel
Pairing: Tom/Bill
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I in no way intend to insinuate that any of the below actually happened. It is simply a piece of written entertainment based on the public personas of real people.
Rating: NC17
Warnings: Twincest-not related, Adult Concepts, Light Kink
Summary: When two men meet and fall in love, they expect there will be bumps in the road. When one of those men has a daughter, some bumps can seem more like mountains.
Author's Note: Thank you so much to ma_chelle for the beta. You are invaluable. Lovely banner by lynnchan.


No matter how long he lay there and looked at the ceiling, the view never changed. It was still white, it still had that ugly, cottage cheese texture, and it still wasn’t helping him sleep.

Bill huffed and turned to face the wall. Nope, nothing new there, either. Frustrated and tired, he sat up and dug through his nightstand drawer. He found the hair band he was searching for and haphazardly tied his hair back, off his neck and away from his face.

It was too hot to sleep, but that wasn’t why Bill had lain there, tossing and turning, his eyes refusing to shut for more than a few minutes at a time.

No, Bill was annoyed. He was annoyed with Tom for being so damn good-looking, for being cute and sweet and for being a father. But more than that, he was annoyed that Tom was interested in him. Because Bill was more than interested in Tom, and that pissed him off, too.

Why the hell did Tom have to be a dad?

Bill pulled on a pair of sleeping pants and headed to the kitchen. There wasn’t much for food in the house, but that was fine, because all Bill needed was ice cream. Lots and lots of ice cream. Grabbing a spoon from the utensil drawer, he took the whole carton to the balcony and settled down with it in one of his deck chairs.

As the first spoonful spread across his tongue and froze the roof of his mouth, Bill winced and rubbed his forehead. It was no worse of a headache than what Tom and his little girl were already giving him, but at least this one would go away in a moment. However, thinking about Tom’s happy little family was staying with him much longer than it should have, and Bill took another big spoonful out of sheer irritation alone.

It’s not that he didn’t like kids. He did like them, for the most part. Then again, Bill had seen plenty of harried mothers and fathers in grocery stores, their children hanging on their legs, begging for treats. They cried and whined and snot dripped from their noses and settled on their top lip until the squalling tot licked at it repeatedly. Bill shuddered at the memories and looked down at his butter pecan ice cream.

Nope, he wouldn’t let the thought of some snot-nosed kids put him off his ice cream, and he shoved another bite in his mouth, if only to prove it to himself.

It was just that Bill couldn’t imagine being a father. He couldn’t imagine having to deal with that kind of behavior and still take care of the child like they hadn’t just been the most annoying thing on Earth. He would much rather hold a baby and give it back to the child’s parents when the kid started fussing. But Tom’s daughter wasn’t a baby, she was a child. Older than a toddler but younger than school age, and Bill wasn’t quite sure what to expect from her. He hadn’t spent a lot of time around children, and he just didn’t know if he was prepared for whatever responsibilities were involved. And he knew the responsibilities were huge; this was nothing to take lightly.

If he and Tom were to get serious, Bill would have to share Tom’s time and Tom’s love with another person. Was he willing to do that? Could he go into a relationship knowing that? Could he ever get used to it?

Bill dug his spoon into the carton again and it came out empty. He squeaked in indignation and scraped the spoon against the inside of the carton, trying to get every last bit of ice cream onto his spoon. After licking off what little was left, he sighed and set the carton, spoon inside, on the patio table. All this thinking wasn’t finding him any answers, and he really needed some advice. And if the advice came along with some kind word of support, he definitely wouldn’t turn that down.

Leaving the carton outside, Bill went in and found his cell. Scrolling down his contacts, he found David’s name, and his thumb hovered for just a second over the ‘send’ button. Bill looked at the clock over the stove. It was very late, but he figured David would still be up. He was hoping so, because he really needed a friend right now. And David had not only been his stylist in New York, he’d been something of a mentor. He was the perfect one to call.

Bill pushed the send button and lit a cigarette before sinking down into the plump, violet cushions of his couch. He leaned his back against the arm rest and dropped his head back, watching the ceiling fan make lazy circuits while the smoke from his cigarette rose toward it.

David’s ringback tone played in his ear; some silly little Broadway tune, and Bill smiled, recognizing the song. David was nothing if not a campy queen. Just as it got to Bill’s favorite part, David picked up.

“Someone better be dying, or you will be.” David’s threat was ruined by a long yawn, and Bill tried not to laugh.

“But I am dying, David! Dying to talk to you.” Bill grinned into the phone. “I didn’t mean to wake you up, though. I’ll call you back tomorrow.”

“You will fucking not, princess. Now that I’m awake, I’d much rather talk to you. So what‘s going on that you wanna call a tired old man in the middle of the night?”

Bill took a long drag off his smoke. “You know; the usual.”

“Uh huh. The usual what? Small town life bringing you down?”

“No, quite the opposite. I like it a lot. There isn’t a lot to do at three in the morning, but the air is clean and, oh god, David, it’s so quiet here. I can actually hear myself think!” Bill stubbed out his cigarette and got up to get a bottle of mineral water.

David snorted, “I’m not sure that’s such a good thing!”

Bill rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Well, it’s not helping so much anyway; I still can’t seem to get anything started for the summer line.” Sighing, Bill took a sip of his water, setting it on a coaster on the coffee table in front of the couch.

“Have you tried changing locations? That seemed to work for you when you were stuck on that pants suit for the winter line, remember?”

“I tried that. I’ve gone to coffee shops, sat at the beach, gone to the park.” The park made Bill think of Tom and he couldn’t keep the smile from his voice. “Which leads me to the real reason I’m calling.”

“You’re not calling in the middle of the night simply to hear my amazing voice?” David was smirking, Bill just knew it.

“Well, of course, that too. Actually, I need something from you.”

“Oh honey, I thought you‘d never ask.” David sighed playfully.

Bill chortled. “No, this is about a boy.”

“A boy, hm? Alright, details! I‘m all ears.”

“Yeah, a boy. A fine, fine man; just beautiful.” Bill breathed and sighed. “He’s as tall as me, and thin, too. I think. I can’t quite tell, because he wears really baggy clothes, but he looks thin. Long, blond dreadlocks that he keeps held back with a bandana. And David, he‘s got the most amazing, deep, dark brown eyes!”

“Oh my, listen to you! I haven’t heard you talk this way about anyone for a very long time, and frankly, my darling, I approve!” Bill could hear David smiling through the phone and, in his mind, he could see his dear friend’s face, his eyes crinkled with joy.

“I think he’s perfect for me, except…” Bill rubbed his fingers over his eyes and took a drink of his water.

“Except…? Except what? Oh, don‘t tell me he‘s married!”

“God, no. I’m not making that mistake again. No, he’s a father. He has a little girl.” Bill stifled a groan. He’d been a bit nervous to say it, afraid it would make him sound like some diva who only cares about himself, but he had to trust David with this; trust him to be gentle, even if Bill was being stupid.

“Oh.” David held the word and a short silence followed.

“David? I’m not being dumb, am I?” Bill covered his eyes, hoping that David would tell him that his fears were perfectly justified. He needed the older man’s support so much, and disappointing him would make Bill feel even worse than he already did.

“No, you’re not being dumb, but listen, is this wonder boy even gay? I mean, he’s got a kid…”

Bill stood up and began to pace the living room, making a circuit through the kitchen and back to the patio door. “Hell, I don’t know, Dave. He flirted with me, and if I had nothing else to go by but the look in his eyes…” Bill stopped by the patio door on his second circuit through the house and leaned against it, pressing his forehead into the cool glass. “I asked him out yesterday, and he said yes.”

“Huh.” David paused and Bill pushed himself away from the door. “Well, you know half the guys we know have kids, and they are definitely gay. But don’t you think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself? So yeah, you have a date, but how do you even know that the two of you will hit it off?”

Bill flopped back down on the couch and leaned back, resting his forearm against his forehead. “No, you’re right. I should just see where this is gonna go first, right?” Bill chuckled, “Leave it to me to freak out and not think things through.”

“Exactly.” David’s tone was fatherly, and it made Bill feel warm inside that there was still someone that cared that much about him. “So you’re going to call him?”

Bill smiled, picturing Tom putting his number into Bill’s phone. “Yeah,” he breathed, “I’ll call him tomorrow.”

“Good girl. Now get your skinny ass to bed. Worrying like this leaves you in definite need of your beauty sleep.” David teased, and Bill laughed at him. He promised to go to bed right away, and blew kisses into the phone before he hung up.

When Bill finally fell asleep, it was deep and restful, and he dreamt of little girls holding hands and skipping around a tall man with blonde dreadlocks, wearing the most beautiful smile he’d ever seen.

~~~

“Goodly, Lovely, Neatly, Angel and Perfect hugged Tacky. Tacky was an odd bird but a very nice bird to have around.” Tom finished the last line softly and closed the book. Janni’s eyes were half-closed but she smiled up at him, holding her arms up for their goodnight hugs and kisses.

Tom slid the book back on the shelf in Janni’s nightstand and leaned down until Janni’s little arms wrapped around his neck. She squeezed tight and he slid his arms under her to hug her to him. Tom kissed her temple, her hair sweet-smelling and still damp from her bath, and lay her back on her pillow.

“Sleep tight, Janni-girl. Sweet dreams.” He kissed her again on her forehead and handed her Brownie, the stuffed bear that kept her company every night.

“’Night, Daddy. Sweet dreams, too.” Smiling, Tom turned on the nightlight on the wall and flipped off the light by her bed. As Janni snuggled down into her bed, cuddling Brownie to her, Tom just caught her sleepy “Love you.”

“I love you too, honey,” he whispered, smoothing long strands of hair away from her face and tucking the blanket over her shoulder and around Brownie. Her eyes fell closed and he quietly closed the door to her room.

This was Tom‘s favorite time of night; Janni was sleeping peacefully, the house was quiet, and a tired Tom finally got a few moments to himself. This was his time to read uninterrupted, or to play his guitar without having to play request after request for this or that song from whatever princess movie Janni had seen recently. He needed this time to relax, to stay sane.

But tonight, Tom was restless. Tonight, Tom’s mind was elsewhere.

He turned on the light in the upstairs bathroom so Janni could see if she happened to get up in the middle of the night, and went quietly downstairs. He picked Janni’s blue, stuffed rabbit off the bottom step on his way down and shaking his head, brought it into the kitchen with him. He propped the bunny up on a kitchen chair, as if bunny was waiting for breakfast, and breakfast was just when Tom would talk to Janni again about the dangers of leaving her toys on the stairs.

Tom looked around the kitchen, making sure the left-overs had been put away and all the dishes had been done. He was looking for something to distract him because then maybe he could keep his mind off of Bill.

The same Bill who hadn’t called him.

The guy had seemed so interested. Hell, Bill asked him out, asked for his number and everything, and then he hadn’t called.

Tom remembered he still had a beer in the fridge. It didn’t take long to find it and pry the cap off with a bottle opener, the first sip hitting the back of his throat with a wash of tiny bubbles. He made sure the oven was off, the coffee was set for tomorrow and the doors were locked before he wandered into the living room, the beer bottle cold and sweating in his hand.

He plucked his acoustic from the stand by the stereo and sat on the edge of a dark blue, over-stuffed arm chair. He set his drink on the side table and started to play softly, his fingers moving out of sheer muscle memory alone because Tom’s mind wasn’t even close to being on the music.

No, Tom thought about the last four years with Janni and how she’d been the center of his life from the time she’d come squalling into this world. And he’d been content with that. With his mother just across town to lend a hand whenever Tom asked her, he’d been able to raise Janni on his own, even finding daycare for her when he went back to work. Nothing made Tom happier than to see his daughter growing healthy and strong and so happy that Tom would have sworn she was a little piece of the sun, fallen from the sky.

But today, Tom couldn‘t seem to keep his mind off Bill. Just picturing him made Tom’s stomach swirl and that not only excited him, it scared him a little, too. Since Janni had been born, Tom had turned down anyone that had asked him out. None of them made him want to make a change in his life, in their lives, and so Tom hadn’t bothered. But Bill was a different story, Bill was something else entirely. Tom wasn’t sure exactly what it was about him that made Bill so different, because he’d met plenty of beautiful women that hadn’t turned his head for more than a second.

Maybe it was just because as soft as Bill appeared, he was obviously very much a man. From the time he’d figured out in the fourth grade that what he felt for his friend Tony was actually a crush, Tom had known that he was attracted to both women and men. Even coming to that realization so young, Tom had only ever dated women. This small town society wasn’t very forgiving of what they sneeringly referred to in public as “alternative lifestyles” and in private as “those damn fags”. Tom had figured that if it didn’t matter either way to him, he may as well stick with dating women.

The thought of getting to see Bill again made Tom not care about what small town society approved of or not, and maybe that’s why it bothered him so much that Bill hadn’t called.

Tom picked up his bottle to take a drink and discovered he’d already drank his beer without realizing it. He pushed himself off the chair and put the acoustic back on its stand, going to throw the bottle away in the recycling. He glanced at the clock on the kitchen wall on his way through and realized it was much too late for Bill to call now anyway and he might as well go to bed.

Tom couldn’t help the pang he felt at how much he’d been hoping to hear from Bill, and hated how much he felt like a pouty girl when he didn‘t. He was annoyed with himself for getting so worked up over something that might never happen, but he turned off the living room light knowing that it might be a while before he'd stop hoping that it would.





Book excerpt is from Tacky the Penguin by Helen Lester



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