steins_stories

Title: Epiphany
Author: steinsgrrl
Fandom: Tokio Hotel
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I in no way intend to insinuate that any of the below actually happened. It is simply a piece of written entertainment based on the public personas of real people.
Rating: NC17
Warnings: Adult Content
Summary:Georg is terrified when he realizes the extent of his feelings for Bill. He can only run for so long.

Georg stumbled out of the bunk area, hair ratted around his head, eyes blurry. He made his way to the kitchenette, not really noticing who was already up. All he could think about was having a cigarette and getting some food in his stomach. It had again taken him forever to fall asleep, and when he finally did, his sleep was restless. He’d found himself awake several times, just staring through the blackness of his bunk. Finally, the sun’s rays began to pinken up the sky, taking pity on him and giving him leave to abandon his attempts at sleeping.

He found his cigarettes on the counter of the kitchenette, opened the package and shook one out. He lit it quickly as he slid heavily into the booth. Breakfast could wait until he’d had his fix. Georg knew it was a horrible habit, and he always planned on giving it up, but there never seemed to be a right time. The band was always so busy, always on the move, always under so much pressure that Georg never felt that he could get a grasp on his addiction. Maybe next time we have a vacation, he thought, and closed his eyes while he inhaled the acrid smoke deeply.

“What are you doing up so early?” Gustav asked from behind him, and startled Georg enough that he almost dropped his cigarette.

“You scared the hell out of me!” Georg laughed, giving himself a moment to recover. Gustav fixed himself a bowl of cereal and slid into the booth opposite Georg. His eyes were still pinned on the bassist.

“Well?” Gustav brought a spoonful of milk-drenched flakes to his mouth, “You never get up this early. Especially after you’ve been out with Tom.”

Georg didn’t answer. He looked out the window, but his eyes saw nothing of the countryside whizzing by. His stomach was roiling around so hard, he was glad he hadn’t put anything in it yet. He’d have definitely thrown it up. The urge to tell Gustav his troubles was so strong; his mouth was full of it. The idea equally appealed to him and scared the shit out of him.

He glanced quickly at the stocky drummer, and found him to be chewing thoughtfully, obviously still waiting for an answer. Finally, Gustav shrugged and reached for his new music magazine he’d been working through reading each morning when he was alone and the bus was peaceful.

“I’m scared” Georg whispered.

“Pardon?” Gustav paused and looked up at Georg.

Georg cleared his throat and looked around the bus. He didn’t need anyone else to hear this.

“I couldn’t sleep because I’m scared.” He paused, not really sure how to start or even what to say to explain how crazy his thoughts have been lately. Or worse yet, what he wanted to do about those thoughts.

“You’re having nightmares?” Gustav chuckled. “Maybe you should stop watching those disgusting torture movies right before bed. Bill told me about the one you guys watched the other night.”

Georg snorted and took another deep drag from his cigarette, now almost spent. The grey smoke streamed out his nose, and Gustav shot him a dirty look, waving the air in front of him.

“If you guys have to smoke on the bus, I wish you wouldn’t do it while I’m eating.”

“Sorry.” Georg snuffed out the butt and moved the ashtray to the counter with his cigarettes. “I’m not having nightmares, Gustav.”

Gustav stopped eating and looked at Georg with a questioning look. Georg fidgeted with his lighter, tapping it on the table, flicking the roller and making it light. He watched the flame that it produced, watched it dance, then go out. He glanced up at Gustav, his friend. He would understand, right? Georg had to take a chance, because he really couldn’t live with this alone any longer.

“I’m not sure how to talk about this, so bear with me, okay?” he laughed quietly, nervously.

“Whatever you need, man. When you’re ready.” Gustav put his spoon down and waited.

Georg blew out a long breath. “Okay, it’s like this. I have a …well, I guess you could call it a crush. No, it seems like more than a crush. Every time I’m around this person, I can’t think, I can’t breathe. I want to hide, because I am afraid I am too obvious, and I don’t want this person to know how I feel. I’m just so confused.” It all came out in a rush, and now that he’d spilled it, he was even more nervous. There’s no way I can tell him who it is. I just can’t.

“Georg, I’ve never known you to be shy before. Why can’t you just tell whoever she is how you feel?” Gustav looked like he’d given Georg the solution, and he thought the conversation must be done. He picked up his spoon to take another bite of his now soggy cereal.

“Gus, it’s a guy.” Georg whispered again. He covered his eyes with one hand and wrapped the other arm around himself, not wanting to see the expression on his friend’s face, not wanting him to see the fear on his own face. “The person I am obsessed with is a guy.”

Gustav’s spoon stopped half-way to his mouth again. The blonde brought his head up to look at Georg again, his eyes wide, his mouth gaping. He quickly regained his composure, though, and closed his mouth. It wouldn’t help Georg at all if he saw that Gustav was shocked by his statement.

The silence stretched out for long, pregnant moments as Gustav processed Georg’s announcement. There had never been a question of Georg’s sexuality. He’d always been the one to go out with Tom to the clubs, and he’d never wanted for a hook-up if he was in the mood for one. And now this.

“For God’s sake, say something.” Georg groaned, still not looking at the other man.

“Who is it?”

“I can’t…I can’t tell you that.” Georg dropped his hand to look at Gustav again.

Gustav looked uncomfortable and squirmed a bit in his seat. The atmosphere changed, and Georg felt it. “Fuck. I shouldn’t have told you. I should just keep this shit to myself.”

“No, no. I’m glad you told me. I’m just not sure exactly what to say.” Gustav paused and looked down, trying to gather his thoughts, before lifting his head and looking Georg in the eyes. “I just have one question before we go any further.”

“Yeah?”

“Is it me?” Gustav’s voice was laced with trepidation. As soon as he asked the question, he could no longer look Georg in the eyes. Perhaps he didn’t want to hear the answer, but he had to ask.

Georg chuckled, “No, Gus, it’s not you.” As the chuckle dragged out and turned into a full-out laugh, the drummer became slightly indignant.

“Hey! What’s funny about that?” Gustav’s face blossomed pink, and he began to eat again to cover his embarrassment.

“I’m sorry, man.” Georg’s laughter tapered off, “It’s not that there’s anything wrong with you. You’re just not my type.” he looked out the window again, “Jesus, I have a type?”

Gustav snorted and avoided the bassist’s gaze. “Fine, fine. That’s fine. So, uh…I take it this guy would not feel the same way about you?”

“I don’t know if he would or not. I’m scared to death to find out. I’m scared he wouldn’t, and I’m scared he might. I’m not sure that this is an area I want to explore about myself.” He paused and reached up for his cigarettes again.

Gustav watched as the stocky brunette performed the ritual of lighting and taking the first slow drag, blowing the smoke out away from his friend. Now certainly wasn’t the time to chastise him.

Georg shot a quick glance at the drummer, then focused on the table in front of them. “I’m not sure that I want to do this, man, but I’m afraid that I have to. I can’t get him out of my head. I even tried hooking up with a seriously hot chick from the club the other night with Tom. Took her to a hotel, the whole deal. She was great, she really was. But, you know what?” he closed his eyes, continuing with a whisper, “When I closed my eyes, I could only see his face.”

“Georg, you know I don’t have any problem with—“ Gustav began, but was cut off by Bill staggering out from the bunks and making a beeline right for the kitchenette. Black coffee in the morning was like lifeblood for Bill, and he would neither be deterred or diverted so that the men at the table might finish their conversation. The drummer looked at the man across from him, intending to indicate to him that they would talk later.

The bassist, however, had his eyes glued to Bill’s back as he poured himself coffee. His face was a little more flushed than it had been moments before, and he turned to Gustav with widened eyes. “I gotta go, um…shower. Thanks, Gus”

He crushed his cigarette out quickly, and with one more lingering glance at Bill, he fled to the bathroom. Left behind at the table, Gustav looked quickly toward the bathroom, then back at Bill. Realization dawned on him, and his eyes went wide.

Bill turned to sit in the spot Georg had just vacated. “What’s up with him?”

Gustav looked at Bill, not processing a single thing but what he’d just discovered about his friend.

“Whoa.”

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