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Title: Janni
Author: [ profile] steinsgrrl
Fandom: Tokio Hotel
Pairing: Tom/Bill
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I in no way intend to insinuate that any of the below actually happened. It is simply a piece of written entertainment based on the public personas of real people.
Rating: NC17
Warnings: Twincest-not related, Adult Concepts, Light Kink
Summary: When two men meet and fall in love, they expect there will be bumps in the road. When one of those men has a daughter, some bumps can seem more like mountains.
Author's Note: Thank you so much to [ profile] ma_chelle for the beta. You are invaluable. Lovely banner by [ profile] lynnchan.

Morning came before Bill was ready for it. The sun didn’t shine in their bedroom this early in the morning, not in the winter, but Tom's alarm was more jarring and painful than any sharp shaft of sunlight could be. Especially after what Bill thought could be the most beautiful, most horrible night of his life.

Tom groaned and threw the covers back, jumping up to snooze his alarm before sliding back into bed. Bill struggled between wanting to squeeze his eyes shut, as if he’d be able to stave off this day if he refused to face it, or watching every move Tom made in the dim light, wanting to burn every little vision, every little movement into his memory.

Tom rolled back over to him and threw an arm over Bill’s waist, snuggling his face into Bill’s chest. “Don’t wanna get up,” he breathed against Bill’s skin and Bill’s hand hovered for a moment before petting down Tom's dreads.

“Mhm, I know,” Bill murmured, tipping his head down to breathe Tom's scent. “But you have to get Janni ready for school.”

Tom hummed and rubbed his cheeks against sensitive skin, the stubble on his chin scratchy and welcome. Tom pressed a kiss sweetly where whisker burn had left Bill’s skin a light pink, and the alarm went off again. Bill groaned and buried his head into the pillow, hating the shrill noise and hating what it meant.

Tom got out of bed and wasted no time in silencing the shrieking alarm, turning it off this time, and stretching languidly in front of the dresser. He grunted as he dropped his arms. “Fine, fine. I’m up. Getting Janni ready, getting me ready. What are you doing?” Tom slid on a pair of pajama pants and looked inquiringly over his shoulder at Bill.

Bill shrugged a shoulder. “I have to do some inventory at the pub today. Pretty boring stuff. How long do you think your interview will take?”

It was Tom's turn to shrug. “I don’t know but I shouldn’t think too long. A couple hours, maybe. He said I pretty much had the job.”

“So you’re going there to bullshit.” Bill’s eyes twinkled as he tried to forget what he was doing. He had to play along.

“I prefer to call it fostering a good working relationship.” Tom winked, gathering the last of his interview clothes and reaching for the bedroom door.

Bill rolled his eyes. “I’ll be down in a minute.”

As soon as Tom was out the door and headed for the shower, Bill pulled the covers over his head. He knew it was going to be tough to see his family this morning, but he knew he’d have to keep himself together. Better than he did last night, anyway. And then he could hear water and Tom's voice bouncing off the tiles of the shower and he grimaced.

He didn’t want to do this.

He had to do this.

With a sigh, he dragged himself from beneath the covers, shivering as he dressed for work. It didn’t take nearly as long as he’d hoped.

He passed by Janni’s room on the way downstairs and he paused just beyond her door. Her little girl voice was coming through the door, raised and shrill, followed by Tom's low tones. Tom hadn’t taken long in the bathroom and now it sounded like he was trying to convince Janni to get dressed and she was resisting heartily. It didn’t appear that Tom's usual methods were going to work this morning, and Bill was pretty sure he didn’t want to try to help, either. Not right now. Not this morning.

It was still dark downstairs, the sun rising just enough to not quite meet the horizon and only making the air around him a dull grey. He flipped on the light in the kitchen, breaking the gloom with a flood of bright light. As he set to making the coffee, Tom and Janni made it downstairs, Janni fully dressed.

Bill set the decanter under the drip spout and took out a bowl for Janni’s cereal. He filled it with her favorite fruity brand, poured in the milk and set it in front of her, spoon already dunked in.

Janni gave him a scathing look and pushed the bowl away, milk and cereal pieces sloshing over the edge and onto the table. “Ugh! Don’t want that gross stuff! I hate that!”

Tom raised an eyebrow and Bill stared at her like she’d grown another head.

“Excuse me?” Tom set his coffee cup on the counter with a stony clink. “You don’t talk to Bill like that. He did something nice for you.”

Bill busied himself in getting out sugar and cream for Tom's coffee, turning his back to Janni and the scene behind him. He’d never seen Janni really misbehave before and he wasn’t sure how to handle it. Hell, he didn’t want to handle it; this type of behavior was the reason he had never wanted children to begin with.

“But,” Janni huffed, “I hate that kind! It’s gross. I want something else.” Bill turned in time to see Janni frown and cross her arms, digging in her heels, and he sighed to himself. He just wanted this to stop.

“Tom,” Bill started, “I can get her something—“

“No, she didn’t ask for anything specific before and you’re not a short order cook.” Tom glanced at Bill from the corner of his eye and it was Bill’s turn to raise a brow. “Well, okay, you are. Sorta. But not at home.”

Bill shrugged and tipped his head in agreement, and Tom pushed the cereal bowl back toward Janni. “This is breakfast. Eat it or don’t. But if you don’t, you’ll be hungry later,” Tom warned the child pouting across from him.

Janni sighed dramatically but picked up the spoon and dredged it through the cereal before taking a small bite. She chewed slowly, wrinkling her nose and not looking up from the bowl. As he turned back to retrieve his cup, Tom brushed her hair off her face and she twitched away from his hand, glaring up at him.

Bill handed Tom his mug, the coffee already fixed the way Tom liked it, and Tom rolled his eyes as he wrapped his fingers around the ceramic handle.

“You’re mean,” Bill said quietly, his lips twitching.

Tom took a long sip and hummed. “Terribly. It’s called tough love. She did this once before—on a weekend -- and believe me, she didn’t like being so hungry by ten o’clock. It only took once for her to decide that she’d rather eat than have her stomach growling because she’d been naughty.”

“What’s up with her this morning?” Bill leaned back against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Who knows? She woke up crabby but chances are that she’ll be fine once she gets to school. And maybe she’s just testing you,” Tom said, before tipping his cup and slurping down the last of his coffee.

“I can hear you, you know.” Janni glowered from her chair, grumbling around a mouthful of food.

“I know.” Tom stepped into the hall to grab their coats. He tossed Janni’s on the chair across from her and went back to get her shoes. In a moment, he was kneeling in front of her, slipping snow boots on her feet.

“Don’t want boots!” Janni tried to yank her feet away from Tom's grip, but he held them in place, pounding the heel of his palm on the bottom, making sure they were on all the way.

“Sorry, girlie. It’s gonna snow again and you need boots. End of story.” Tom stood and held her coat out, ready for her to put her arms in the sleeves. “Now let’s go before we’re late.”

Janni poked a huge bite of cereal into her mouth and chewed quickly, her eyebrows sunk so low in a frown that Bill might have chuckled behind his hand under different circumstances. She slid off her chair and brushed past Tom with a grunt, getting to the door before him.

“Janine Kaulitz, put this coat on, now!” Tom's stern voice stopped her dead in her tracks and she stomped back to him, snatching the coat from his hands and shoving her arms into it. “I don’t know what’s up with you but you are so grounded from television today,” Tom told her as she threw him a scathing look and turned to go.

Bill’s heart began to race as she pulled the door open, a frigid breeze blowing in. Adrenaline shot through him and he grabbed at Tom's coat as Tom headed for the door.

“Wait,” he said, tugging at Tom's sleeve. “Just…” He pulled Tom to him and wrapped his arms around his waist, swallowing the hard lump in his throat and blinking hard against Tom's neck.

“Hey, what’s this about?” Tom tried to pull back but Bill wouldn’t let go. Not just yet. “I’ll be back in a couple hours, baby.”

“Sorry,” Bill mumbled into Tom's shoulder, the coat muffling his words. He squeezed Tom once and pulled back to kiss him gently. “Just be careful driving.” Bill brushed a thumb over Tom's cheek.

Tom stared at him with questioning eyes and Bill pressed his lips together, wanting to say so much more and knowing he couldn’t. “You’re acting weird, Bill. What’s going on?”

“Nothing’s going on. I just…” He reached out to touch Tom, to pet down the front of his jacket to reassure him that everything was okay when everything was anything but okay, and realized his hands were shaking. He crossed his arms and shivered. “I love you. Don’t forget.”

Tom grinned and shook his head, cupping Bill’s face in his palm and kissing him quickly. “I won’t forget. I love you, too. Now I’m gonna be late if I don’t go.” Tom turned toward the door and threw over his shoulder, “See you in a bit.”

Bill let out a long breath and his face crumpled as Tom closed the door behind him.


Tom couldn’t stop smiling.

He let himself in the door, humming just a little off key as he closed it and took off his shoes. His jacket followed and he hung it up, pausing for a moment at the bare space where Bill’s jackets usually hung. Bill would have taken his heavy coat with him to work, but he was terrible about putting his other coats away. There were usually two or three piled up on the hook, until the top coat would barely stay hung up. Bill must have gotten tired of fighting gravity and had finally taken care of them.

Tom shrugged and made his way into the living room. The house was silent, as it usually was this time of day, when Janni was at school and Bill at work, and Tom normally relished the quiet. Right now, though, he was bubbling with happiness and hope and he didn’t want quiet.

He found a CD to put on; something spunky and fun and light and as the beats filled the room, Tom bopped his way to the kitchen. Bill usually came home for lunch and Tom wanted to have something waiting for him. They finally had something solid to celebrate, after all. Mr. Erlewine had come through; he had hired Tom as he said he would, and after looking over Tom's extended portfolio, he’d offered Tom a more generous salary than they had expected. Not only that, he’d given Tom a permanent account designing book covers for the firm’s science fiction line and given him the option to continue to work from home four days a week. Tom didn’t think there was a more perfect job for him and for his family.

The only thing that could make his day more perfect would be for Anjelica to drop her case. But, he thought as he rifled through the refrigerator for the beef tips they’d bought yesterday, first things first. He’d get the beef tips started, get out the noodles and sauce mix to be cooked, and then he’d call their lawyer and tell her the good news.

Tom heated a teaspoon of oil in the pan on the stove and turned the heat up, just wanting to get the oil warm before tossing the tips in, stirring them around to layer them over the bottom. Once he had seasoned the meat and turned the heat down, he covered the pan with a satisfied smirk. He actually had been learning something when he and Bill cooked together, and the need for Bill to get home ached in his chest. He was bursting to tell Bill about Mr. Erlewine’s offer, and he wasn’t afraid to admit that a small part of him wanted to hear that Bill was proud of him and everything he’d done. Learning to cook was just part of it; Tom had grown in so many ways since Bill had come into his life.

Tips started and browning nicely, Tom dialed his lawyer’s office. She was there but was busy and didn’t really have time to talk, so Tom gave her the latest development quickly, the smile growing even wider on his lips when he heard her quiet, “Yes!”

His lawyer, Ms. Robertson, had turned out to be a fifty-two year old mother of three who had found her calling to law late in life. Tom hadn’t found that particularly remarkable. What he had found remarkable was that Lila Robertson had been with her partner, Cheryl, for twenty six years and counting, raising two sons and a daughter during that time. He could see her now, sitting in her comfortable office chair in her cozy little office downtown, pumping her fist with glee.

“Right on, Tom! This is such good news!” Ms. Robertson exclaimed, rushed and breathless. ”I have someone in my office right now, but I want to take this information to the judge. He needs to know that circumstances have changed, and this development puts you in a much better position for your case. Is that alright with you? Can I do that?”

Tom was nodding on his end before the lawyer even finished her question. “Of course; please do! Anything to keep Janni, and if we can avoid a whole trial, that’s even better. You’ll call me?” Tom lifted the pan lid and stirred the beef tips, steam and the tantalizing scent of gently cooking seasoned meat wafted from the pan.

”Definitely. Give me a couple days, okay? I have to do this right.”

“Okay,” Tom answered with a relieved sigh. He didn’t want to get ahead of himself and start thinking this was over, but at least he stood a chance now. This didn’t solve the issue of Tom living with Bill but it was a little step toward showing that their home was suitable for a five year old. “And Lila, thank you. Just…thank you for this.”

”My pleasure. Now look, I have to go. I’ll call you.”

Tom said his goodbyes and hung up, turning the heat off under the meat at the same time. The pasta could wait until just before Bill got home.

In the meantime, he could set the table while he waited. He pulled a couple plates out of the cupboard, stacked napkins and their utensils on top and carried it all to the table. As he set their places, folding the napkins and lining the forks up just so, he thought about the first time he’d had Bill over for supper. He’d been a nervous wreck and scared to death. Scared of burning the food and scared of being burned. He hadn’t known what was going to happen with Bill but he’d known he had to take a chance. It was the second best decision he’d ever made.

The table set, they just needed something to drink. In the kitchen, Tom paused in front of the cupboards, raising a hand first toward one, then another. Since Bill had moved the glasses, Tom often opened the one they used to be in. He chuckled under his breath and brought down two fluted glasses from the top shelf. Bill would laugh but Tom thought they could toast with sparkling water just as well as champagne, considering Bill would have to go back to work and Tom had to get Janni from the bus later.

He glanced at the clock over the stove on the way out of the kitchen and stopped, looking again. Bill should have been home by now. He always let Max handle what little crowd they had at the pub over lunch, since time alone was a rare commodity when you have a five year old. But now it was nearly a half hour past when he’d normally be home.

Placing the glasses on the table, Tom doubled back to the kitchen to call the pub. Maybe Bill got held up and Tom had better wait on that pasta a little longer. He thumbed the numbers on the dial pad and listened to it ring, waiting for someone to pick up.

“Come on, Bill,” Tom muttered, looking out the front door and down the street with the phone still pressed to his ear. “Max? Anyone?”

He stopped counting rings at five but was sure it had been more like ten by the time he hung up. This wasn’t right. Something wasn’t right.

Tom tossed the phone onto the counter and ran up the stairs, two at a time, cursing as he caught his toe on the top step and lost his balance. He caught himself with a hand against the wall and made himself slow down. He was being dumb. He didn’t know that something was wrong; maybe they were just really busy. Maybe they’d had a bunch of tourists come in, unlikely as it seemed. Maybe something was wrong with the phones. Maybe. But the uneasy feeling in Tom's gut made him want to drive down there to make sure Bill was fine and nothing was wrong. Then he’d be happy to feel like a fool in front of Bill for rushing down there for no reason. He’d blush while Bill smiled and kissed him and called him an idiot. And then they’d go out for lunch and save the beef tips for supper.

The wry grin that curved Tom's lips slipped into a confused frown as he entered their bedroom. The bed was perfectly made, pillows placed in their proper positions, comforter smoothed out.

Bill had been the last one up and Bill never made the bed. It was one of those little things that Tom rolled his eyes at and did himself. Now it was made exactly the way Tom preferred it, except for the folded sheet of lined paper resting on his pillow.

And then his eye caught the sliver of light coming through the cracked open door of Bill’s closet.

“Bill, what the hell?” Tom laughed to himself. “Make the bed and leave the light—“ His mumble caught in his throat as Tom pulled open the closet door to turn off the light.

Bill’s clothes were gone. Hangers were tipped this way and that, hanging askew, caught in each other and tangled on the floor and the room spun.

They were gone. Bill’s clothes were gone, and the bed was made and he didn’t answer the phone and Tom wanted to throw up. His stomach cramped and he clutched the door, his fingers pressing hard into the wood and turning his knuckles white. He groaned, a low, aching sound that came from deep in his chest as he dropped his forehead into the door jamb. His eyelids were clenched together so tightly that little spots of white exploded in front of his eyes and he hit his forehead on the door again, this time enough to hurt and he growled at the pain.

He should have known. Why didn’t he know? Why didn’t he see the signs? They were there, plain as day, and Tom hadn’t paid any attention. But now, of course…now he saw them. Tom grunted and pushed himself away from the closet, stumbling as he reached the bed.

He sank numbly down on the mattress, convulsively swallowing the bile that rose time and again in his throat. The paper folded on the pillow crinkled under his fingers as he reached blindly for it. He squeezed it in his fist, holding on…holding on to that one last moment before he read the words that Bill had left him.

Blowing out the breath that he’d held so long it burned his lungs, Tom unfolded the letter and tried to focus on the words swimming, fluid and blue, on the white background.


I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to leave, but I have to. I have to go because you can’t be with me and keep Janni. I know they won’t let you and I can’t be the reason you lose your daughter. I can’t, Tom. I love you both too much. I’m going to--

Someone walking behind him, denim brushing denim, and a sharp intake of breath startled him. He jerked his head up and spun around at the soft, weary voice that sighed, “Tom.”


(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-24 07:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That was mean. *cries* But it was very beautifully done.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-24 07:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
It really was; I'm sorry. But thank you! ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-24 07:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That better be Bill pulling his head out of his ass!!! I so did not need this ... drama ... tonight. My stomach is in enough of an uproar. My god! Talk about the perfect cliffhanger. You better have a good dagger deflector handy because you are going to have dirty looks sent your way by the boatload. Well done, my dear!!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-24 07:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Aw, I'm sorry, honey. I should have told you maybe you should leave it for tomorrow. There's way too much drama going on lately.

I've upgraded from being threatened with sporks to daggers. I'm not sure if that's good or not! xD Thank you! <3

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-24 08:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ugh, goddommot Bill, you idiot!

This chapter hurts. :C Not your fault, though, it's right for the story and hm... it turned out good.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-24 01:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ugh, I don't like this part =[ Please let that be Bill coming home.

This chapter was written perfectly. I can feel Bill's pain when trying to make everything seem fine before he left

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-24 02:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Of course I knew this was coming, but it doesn't make it any easier to read. I started crying when Tom opened the closet door and found all Bill's stuff gone. I can't imagine the panic he felt at that moment and my heart hurts for him.

You know i love you, but yeah... this was mean :)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-24 02:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*cries* No bill no!!!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-24 03:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Crap that hurts. Bill holding on to Tom when he's leaving to take Janni to school is crushing. Make it better Mel!!

I've missed this story sooo much <3333

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-24 07:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I swear, I'm going to stab Bill with a spork if he doesn't get his head out of his ass...

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-24 09:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Great chapter. I especially felt the emotion at the part where Bill was saying goodbye and held on to Tom for so long. I just wish you had the next chapter up already, cause cliffhangers make me all anxious to know what happens next!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-24 09:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Wow. You are such a talanted writer. You wrote that so very very beautifully. My heart ached. It still does. Shit. I feel so very sorry for Tom... And for Bill. And Janni! She has grown so very fond off Bill. She must have felt the tension when Tom didn't. My, my... And what a bloody cliffhanger!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-02-24 10:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Wait! You can't leave it like that! Who was it? Was it Bill or someone else?!


Now that's out of the way. That was beautiful. Thank you :)


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